happened to come across these photos and im going to delete them now! after i finish bloggin...
Above are the Roses given by my ex bf and the card written n wrapped by me....During 2008
Yes this was the 1st and last valentine we spent together....But the ironic thing about the "1st time spending it together" is that we were together for 3 years....
You all must be thinking...3 yrs got 3 valentine wat..how come only spent 1 valentine tgt??
Yup, the day we broke up was also the day i spent my 1st and last valentine with him...Thats also the day that i really disheartened, awaking from my dreams to seeing how pathetic i was.
3 years filled with waiting, waiting and forever waiting....
3 years filled with hopes which i realised in the end, will never come true...
3 years filled with lies....
3 years filled with tears....
3 years living in self - deception....
3 years of loving which neva had been appreciated....
3 years making the utmost 101% of my love for him....
3 years of doing all stupid things....
3 years of being like a fool....
Yes, above is the dumbest person on earth
3 years was how long i hung on to this fruitless relationship... Crying almost every nite to myself...Choking on my own tears and onli have myself to confide in...Cos i cant even confide in jasmine anymore at the later stage...Cos i think she is truely annoyed by my stupidness and find me hopeless already... Alot of my close frens ask me... U dun think he got another women outside meh?? N i always say no la, he is really busy with his work la,,,he wun do that to me de...
But deep down in my heart, of cos i did suspect and somehow i think it true tat im the 3rd party...and to be frank i knew it during the 1st yr but neva had i confront him, not even till the day we broke up cos i really love him so much...I noe things will turn bitter if i reall spill everything out...So i just wished tat i could keep him by my side,living in self deception all times.
We get to meet only once a week, during saturday nites and other then that he Rarely messages or call me to show any concern...N i had to take the initiatives to ask him where are we going on sat...watch wat movie etc or else he wun even bother meeting me...
Sometimes i am even more pathetic, cos if im not outside or clubbing he wun come fetch me...So even if i dun feel like going out or clubbing, i will still force myslef to go, in hope of seeing him,,,jus for that little while when he comes to fetch me... Stupid ya?
Well, there are even stupider things that i've done for him...
I make barley, herbal tea watsoeva or food for him and will ask him to drive over to take and he will always say yes but forgets all bout it..Im not sure if its intentional but i will jus drink it or eat it myself and not say anything bout it the next day.
But i seldom have chance to talk to him too...Cos im afraid to call him...Cos im not sure if he's busy with his work at the moment so i will jus wait for him to call..which is like once in 10 years..N becos its so rare...even when i sleep, i will turn my ringtone to the loudest volume and place it beside my ear jus in case he calls...N several times im glad i did that..Cos he really called at those wee hours...
Sometimes i will go sleep 1st and turn the alarm to 3 am or 4am to check if he is done with his work, wake up from slumberland and accompany him talk on the phone to keep him awake, Cos i noe he often doze off while driving and thats really dangerous,k n i do that quite often, regardless of having to wake up for sch the next day at 6am...
Life was all bout him tat time...I baked heart shaped cookies and bday cake for him, bought lots of things, shirts wallet etc...
But if u ask me if there is any sweet moments of cos there is...but to me...no matter how tough it is...i still hung on..becos a little sweet action of his can make me SO HAPPY tat i feel everything, no matter how hard, is worth it...
4 things that he did tat made me stay on for so long
1) During the 2nd year on christmas, he personally went to chose a bag and gave it to me as a present which behind the wrapper was a paragraph written by him. I still rmb my tears jus flow down the moment i started reading it... He said taht he noes he hasn't been a gd bf and he noes that i reaaly treat him so well that he feels really fortunate to have me etc.... Maybe to some of u its nth much, but in my relationship of him, it really impacts me alot..It made me feel that anything is worth it...So long as he noes i really love him...
2) That nite when he brought me to snetosa and suddenly hugged me from behind very tightly saying I love u....Again, tis may be a common thing in relationship.But tat was the only time for me..For that moment i felt loved...But only for tat moment that is.
3) When i had my CO camp in sch, he sent flowers and and all my bath foams and shampoos from bodyshop, cos he is afraid that i may not be able to adapt to those in my sch, to my school. N he didnt do it personally as he had to go overseas to work....
4) The last thing may make u all go "HUH"... Its when i read a message from him and i smiled to myself...he actually took the initiative to tell me where we were going to on a saturday nite...From nice food to movie...N i was so excited that my fren asked me...why u so happy..I told her y and she went "huh" like tat also can make u happy? isn't it supposed to be ? she questioned me....Well perhaps, but im not so lucky
Actually, i was really happy for the 1st 2 months out of the 3 yrs...During the 1st 2 mths he really doted on me...Dropping by during his free time to gt me my favourite foods....Crystal jade porridge etc... N messaging me to take my lunch and all...I felt blissful...But eveything changed after tat...
I rmb that time i was really devastated...It was the his bday and it was the 1st time i was going to celebrate with him... I researched on the recipe and all and made several attepts at jasmine's house b4 baking the final one...and mind u, becos my hse dont have the baker, i baked it at jasmine's and took it back from jurong east all the way back to woodlands.. N i waited all nite for him...I believed he would come cos i already told him the day b4 and he promised... But when it was past 12, jasmine said if he had forgotten and helped me to call, as i still believed tat he will come...but to my grave disappointment, he was drinking in the pub with his frens and when jasmine called and scolded him...he still did not come over. not even the next day but the day after...Sighs,i jus cried and cried the whole nite...but luckily there is alwasy jasmine by my side as she always noes that he will disappoint me...
Yup...thats my little pathetic story...So maybe my current bf is a gift from heaven to console me for being so dumb and stupid in the past,,,and to bring more happiness to me :)
Whateva it is...I love my BF, samuel lim wei xiang....
Thks darling...really many thks for being so nice to me, there is nth more i can expect <3>
her sweet memory was written @ 1:29 AM
